It's Not Wrong To Have Feelings
by PixieDustandFairyPowers
Summary: Yellow Diamond's ship malfunctions on her way back to Homeworld. With Steven on board, she is forced to confront her feelings about the past and finally talk to him. One-shot.


Steven woke up from his short nap. Glancing around at his surroundings, he nervously stood up. Everything still felt quite intimidating, despite already being here for a few hours. He was on Yellow Diamond's ship, en route to Homeworld.

He sighed. He should be thankful that he wasn't a prisoner on her ship, but still he worried about what would happen once he got back to that planet. Steven convinced himself that he needed to do this, he had to make up for what his mother had done. But this time, his family had eventually conceded to letting him do this.

At least Pearl was around. Steven definitely did not want to go by himself, and Pearl was the first (and only one) to volunteer. She had missed her home so much, and Steven was happy for her. Perhaps this was finally going to be her chance to show him the wonders and history of that place, and of his gem heritage. But only if things went well.

Speaking of Pearl, Steven decided to go and find her. She had to be somewhere on this ship. Only problem was, this was waaay bigger than even the hand ship Peridot arrived in, and that was difficult to navigate. He took a couple lefts, then a right, and called out for her a few times. There was no response.

Steven then noticed there were a few hidden buttons that opened elevators and doors when he accidentally stepped on them. But they were all so well disguised as walls so it was impossible to reopen them because he couldn't find the buttons. Increasingly getting frustrated, he kept hoping to himself that someone, anyone, was around the corner.

* * *

This had been happening for about 30 minutes before he finally ran into a Citrine. "Hey, hey you!" Steven called out to her. "Do you have any idea where I can find Pearl?"

"Which one?" she replied in a rather gruffy voice.

"Oh," Steven said, stroking his chin. "She, um, is white with kinda pink hair, and has a blue shirt with a star and a ribbon belt."

"Sorry. Haven't seen a Pearl like that," said the Citrine. "Now move along, half pint, I've got a job to do." She walked off towards another wall, which, surprise, surprise, turned out to be another door.

"Wait!" said Steven, running after her. "Do you have any idea how I can navigate this-" But it was too late. The door had already closed behind her. "-ship." He sighed. "How I am I ever going to find my way around here?"

Suddenly, there was a red alert going throughout the ship. Some of the doors started opening automatically, and there were several gems all headed in the same direction. Steven couldn't miss his chance. He had to follow them to see what was going on, and hopefully he would be able to find Pearl too.

It turned out that everyone was headed to the engine room. Steven got increasingly worried, what was he going to do lost out in space, and lost on this spaceship at the same time? He pushed his way through a crowd of Citrines, Peridots, Nephrites, and Agates, hoping maybe he could run into-

"Steven!" cried a familiar voice. He couldn't believe it, it was Pearl!

"Pearl!" he called, running up to her and jumping into her arms. "I was getting so worried, this spaceship is so big and crazy, I was beginning to think that I was never going to-"

"Steven, Steven, it's okay," Pearl said. "What matters is that you're safe."

"What is going on here?" came a loud, booming voice. It was none other than Yellow Diamond herself, and quite frankly, she didn't look too happy.

"My Diamond," said the lead engineer of the crew. "It appears that there has been an engine malfunction. Our primary gravity core has stopped working and we are unable to diagnose the problem."

"Well, how long is it going to take to figure it out?"

A Nephrite said, "Well, this doesn't seem to be an ordinary malfunction, I've never seen anything like this happen. It could take a few hours to properly address the problem and even if we do figure it out, we don't currently have the proper tools to make repairs here."

A Peridot piped up with a suggestion. "If I may recommend, my Diamond, we should start up the backup engines. It won't get us to Homeworld as fast as we normally would get there, we'll be delayed by three days minimum. But there should be enough power to run it. May we proceed?"

"Yes Peridot," said Yellow. "You may continue. Everyone else, back to your stations! Leave it to our lead engineers and crew to handle this problem."

The crowds slowly began to disperse. Steven looked up at Pearl. "Three days? But I'm nearly out of snacks and I didn't pack that many water bottles! And what about everyone on Earth? Won't they get worried if we can't contact them?"

"Steven, it's okay," Pearl said. "I always prepare in case of circumstances like these. I have enough food and water to last you about two months at minimum. Besides, who knows how long we were going to be on Homeworld? It's not like there's anything to eat there." She summoned a sandwich out of her gemstone, along with a juice box. Steven gratefully accepted the food and ate it quickly.

Most of the gems who had crowded into the room had returned to where they had originally had been, and that just left the crew, Steven, Pearl, and Yellow Diamond. She narrowed her eyes at Steven. "You shouldn't be here. Pearl, get him out of this room."

Pearl complied and led Steven into one of the hallways. Steven wondered about what Yellow thought of him. Was she being protective, or could she not stand the sight of him? He honestly was not sure. Just then, he noticed her walk through another hallway.

"Hey Pearl, I think I'll catch up with you later," he said, turning to follow her.

"Okay Steven, just be careful. Don't get lost!" she called out.

* * *

It wasn't easy to lose track of Yellow Diamond, given how huge she was. And it didn't take long for her to reach her destination, which was the main control room of the ship. She sat down her chair and sighed. "What am I going to do now? I had several scheduled meetings with the various commanders and managers on my colonies. I can't afford to lose anymore productivity. We're at an all time low, and now I can't ever use the geoweapon that I had been preparing for millennia! And on top of all that, now I have to deal with… him."

Steven nervously inched closer. Yellow hadn't noticed him yet, but still he felt overwhelmed and intimidated. But he needed to talk to her, she had mostly been ignoring him ever since he told her that… terrible truth about his mother. He figured that she still hated him, but he needed to be sure, and if so, for exactly what reasons.

Clearing his throat, he finally managed to work up the courage to talk to her. "Hey Yellow," he uttered nervously. "How's it going?"

"Oh," she replied, narrowing her eyes at him again. Her stare seemed rather cold and spine tingling. "It's you. What do you want?"

"So, um," Steven said tentatively, "We haven't really talked much since, well, I told you the truth about what happened to, you know, my mom." Sweat was pouring down his brow, as well as in his palms, and he started fidgeting with his fingers. "And uh, since it's going to take a while to get back to Homeworld, I was thinking, maybe I could ask you something?"

Yellow Diamond stroked her chin. "Well, I don't have anything better to do. I don't currently have access to any of my reports at the moment, so it's not like I can get any work done. So I suppose this means, yes, I can hear you out. What's your question?"

"Okay, I'm just going to be straightforward with you," Steven said. He took a deep breath and sighed. "I know you don't like me. So just tell me, is it because I'm half human? Or do you still blame me for what happened?"

"It's more complicated than that." She turned her head away from him. "If you want a better answer, I am not sure of what to think of you."

Steven jumped up onto the armrest of her chair and sat down cross legged. "But what do you think of me right now?" he asked. "Am I just a nuisance that you want nothing to do with?"

Yellow crossed her legs and rubbed her temple. "Didn't I already answer your question? You can go now."

He decided to be more firm with her. "Look, Yellow, we need to talk. If we're going to make any of this work I need to know how you're feeling. I need to know where we're at. So please, just, talk to me."

"You're quite insistent, aren't you?" she said. "Alright, fine. I'll have you know that Pink made a terrible decision when she decided to turn into you. I am absolutely furious with what she did, betraying us like that, and sabotaging her own colony that she begged and pleaded to have for the sake of some primitive, hideous organic species. She had a zoo of them for goodness sake, wasn't that enough? And I am beyond confused as to why she would want to become one. Your kind lead such short and pointless lives with no purpose to them."

Steven looked down. He already knew Yellow hated humans, regarding them as inferior, but he was glad that she was at least talking it out with him. So he continued to listen, taking everything in stride.

"And yet, I cannot find it in myself to hate her. I don't think I can forgive her, but at the end of the day, she was still one of us. And as much as I hate to admit it…" Yellow said, narrowing her eyes and turning away again, "... in some ways, you are much better than she ever was."

Steven looked slightly surprised. What did Yellow see in him? "What do you mean?" he asked.

She sighed and turned back to make eye contact with him. Looking slightly dismayed, she said, "Well, unlike Pink, you seem to understand what it means to be a leader. That's what our purpose is as Diamonds. You are more than willing to take responsibility for problems that need to be addressed, even if it wasn't your fault in the first place. Turning yourself in, and then agreeing to come back to fix everything that she left behind. You don't run away from problems. I don't even know how you got there. You said you were, what, fourteen years of age? Even I wasn't allowed to colonize my first planet until I was around eighty years old."

"And I'll be turning fifteen real soon," Steven said. "To be honest, I wasn't always like this. Not too long ago actually, I didn't really understand what I was getting into with all this gem stuff. I had begged to go on missions with the Crystal Gems, and they often told me I just wasn't ready. I… often did stupid and reckless things that almost got me killed and they had to save me from falling off cliffs and stuff. Then I learned about all the… bad things about what the Crystal Gems and my mom did. I felt so awful, I felt like everyone was suffering because of me. I was trying so hard to live up to my mom, because I knew how much everyone missed her, and I didn't know how to feel about her. I still don't."

Yellow's expression noticeably changed. She seemed to… pity him? "Is that what happens when you live such short lives?" She sighed again. "Steven, if there's one other thing I'd hate to admit, it's that with proper training, you'd make a good leader, much better than your mother. It's just… you're organic. You spend a third of your life completely unconscious and unaware of your surroundings. You take part in several disgusting rituals in order to stay alive. But as you're also a gem, there's no telling what will come of you. No one like you has ever existed. Not even my best Sapphire would be able to predict whether or not you'll live the lifespan of a gem or a human. And that's, well, quite a bit of a hindrance to our empire. I cannot tell whether or not it would be worth the effort to train you to be a leader."

Steven looked worried. "So, is that what you're going to do with me? You want me to… lead thousands if not millions of gems, and you want me to have colonies and kindergartens? I dunno. I just can't do that, I-"

"And that's the other problem," Yellow said. "I believe having an organic Diamond would be detrimental to our society. It's not pretty, it's not fun, but we have to exterminate organic life in order to procreate. That's just the way it is, and if we don't, we'll eventually be driven to extinction. We are not quite immortal, you know. And I know that because you're a hybrid, you'll never want to do such a thing. And our subjects, they will lose their will to work on our colonies, and we won't be able to make new gems."

"Look, Yellow," Steven said. "I know you guys need to make new gems. But we can't do that at the expense of innocent life, no matter how small or insignificant it seems. I don't know anything about kindergartening, but surely I'm proof that gems can coexist with organic life, right? Can't we figure something out? Something even better?"

Yellow looked at him again, and chuckled. "Hmm. So young. You still don't understand, do you? This is just the way it's been for millennia, there is no other way." She thought for a moment, before saying, "Well, there is one other way, but it's incredibly inefficient and very energy consuming."

He was very curious now. "What is it?"

"It's-never mind." Yellow Diamond said. "It's far too complicated to explain."

* * *

After a while, Steven decided to change the subject. "Y-Yellow, are- are you going to be okay? I know this must be hard for you, trying to deal with all this. It was hard for me, but I can't imagine what it must've been like for you."

She stood up and walked towards the edge the room. She pressed a button, revealing a window to view the stars, and stared off into the cosmos. Steven followed her and tried to get a closer look but he was obviously much too small. So Yellow let him sit on her hand to bring him closer to her eye level.

"Steven, my emotions concerning this matter are irrelevant. They are in no way conducive to running Homeworld, or encouraging gems to persist through these tough times. What is important is that we remain strong. There's no room for me to show any weakness whatsoever, because my subjects are looking to me for strength and guidance. That's what I've been trying to tell Blue for thousands of years. Her gems don't have a very high morale because she hasn't been as strong as she should have been, and her emotions have been clouding her judgement. It's been holding us back for far too long."

He looked up at her, concerned with what she was saying. "But your feelings do matter! My mom, she was very important to you, and I know you cared about her, a lot. When you lose someone that close to you, you can't just go on with life like nothing has changed."

"But what other choice do I have?" she asked. "My gems, her gems, they'd all be lost without me to lead them. I'm the one who is responsible for getting them through tough times, and for our continued survival. If I can't do that, then who will?"

Steven understood. He knew exactly what she was talking about. But he also knew that she couldn't do it alone. "Look, I get it. You want to be a good leader. And- and I know that everyone is looking up to you, but maybe just this once, you can tell me. I promise, I won't tell anyone else about this. I know you want to get this off your chest. You'll feel better, trust me."

This hybrid child perplexed Yellow. How could a half human, someone who was only fourteen no less, understand what she was feeling? She should be annoyed that he was trying to prod at old wounds, but deep down she knew he was right. She didn't quite understand how, but something about the way she kept bottling up her feelings was keeping her from being a good leader.

Yellow Diamond sat back down and finally started opening up to Steven. "When I first started mentoring Pink, she wouldn't stop pestering me. Of course I loved her, she was a Diamond, just like us, but she was nowhere near ready to bear the responsibility of managing entire planets. It wasn't just me, she had begged White and Blue for a colony of her own too. So we finally caved in and gave her one that hopefully would be easy for her so she would stop bothering us. Perhaps I wasn't firm enough, or maybe I was too harsh. I don't understand what I did wrong, and I'm not sure if I ever will."

"But then she started getting too sentimental and attached to those ridiculous organics! Her excuses about their cities being too difficult to destroy were laughable, they were barely even cities to begin with! Blue had given her the idea of building a zoo and I conceded, hoping preserving a few would get her back on task of finishing the colony. But no, she had to go and start an entire rebellion behind our backs!" Steven noticed that she seemed to be inadvertently using her powers, and if Yellow lashed out completely, she could do some serious damage. But at least she could let off some steam, and she really needed this.

"She wanted to shut down the whole thing. I actually thought maybe the rebels were giving her a hard time, and for her sake, I wanted her to succeed, and so I sent my best soldiers and commanders to help her." Her aura started fading, and she actually started to tear up. "But… she just… just… had to go and fake her death! Why? Why couldn't she just talk to us! Did she really think we didn't care? That we didn't love her? What did I do? Did I really not care enough? How could she not understand?" Yellow actually had to use one of her gloves to wipe away her tears, and was mortified that she was just getting all emotional in front of Steven. But he just stood there, completely judgmental, listening intently to what she was saying.

Sighing, Steven finally spoke. He was starting to cry a little, as well. "I-I'm so sorry. It's just- I think my mom didn't think you'd understand- she probably thought you'd continue with the colony anyway, and then she wouldn't be able to stop it."

Yellow sighed. "That's probably true. I-I probably would've made sure the colony was completed. I just- don't understand why. Why would she care about the lives of puny, insignificant organics more than that of her own gems?" She tried to look away and hide her tears, but still she continued. "She just- left us, left me, and left all her gems! I had to figure out how to deal with most of her quartzes, and her other subjects, who were just- abandoned by their leader! I suddenly had to bear the burden of so much, nothing like this had ever happened before! How am I supposed to tell them? All of Homeworld? All of her gems?"

"I still don't know how I'm supposed to own up to all her mistakes," Steven admitted. "I've always felt like… like I had to live up to so much. And I felt responsible for everything. I've tried to hide how I was feeling too, because I felt like she just left me to lead the Crystal Gems. I got mad at her too, I thought she only had me so that she wouldn't have to deal with everything." Now Yellow was the one listening closely to what he had to say. She hated to admit this as well, but she truly felt like she could confide in Steven in a way she couldn't with anyone else. Yellow hadn't even been this open with Blue because she felt as though she didn't want to burden her with her problems when she was too caught up in her own grief.

Steven continued, "I now know that that wasn't the reason. She truly did love me, she even made two video tapes for me before she gave up her physical form because she didn't know if I was going to be a boy or a girl."

Yellow Diamond raised her eyebrow at him. "Oh," Steven said. "It's, uh… kind of a human thing. You probably wouldn't get it."

"Hmm. You're right, I don't."

"Anyway, it's still hard though. Maybe she didn't want me to deal with her problems, but that doesn't mean that they don't have to be dealt with. Someone's got to take responsibility, and I'm really the only one who can."

"No, you're not."

Steven looked up at Yellow, confused. "But I-"

"I also share responsibility. If it wasn't for me, none of this would have happened."

"But where do we even start?" Steven asked. "There are just so many gems who suffered because of what my mom did. There are all those corrupted gems, all those gems bubbled in the zoo, the gems on Homeworld that used to belong to her. And- and even if it wasn't my mom's fault, I still want to help other gems too, like all those off colors who aren't needed."

"I can't believe I'm actually saying this myself, but don't you Crystal Gems often say, 'We'll figure this out together?'" Yellow asked.

"Oh," Steven chuckled. "Yeah."

* * *

The two of them sat in silence for a while, looking out at the stars. They were only interrupted by Yellow Diamond's Pearl running into the room. Yellow Diamond immediately regained her composure and put on her stern expression. "What is it, Pearl?" she asked.

"My Diamond, I'm here to report that the Nephrites and Peridots have diagnosed the problem with the ship. Turns out it was only an easy-to-repair malfunction. We should be able to make it back to Homeworld in about 10 minutes."

"Thank you, Pearl. That's a relief." Yellow said.

The ship soon approached hyperspeed, and Yellow said to Steven, "Well, you were right about one thing."

"What was that?" he asked.

"I did feel better after getting this off my chest. And I think… maybe you're not so bad after all."

Steven couldn't believe he had come this far. Yellow was actually starting to respect him after being intent on killing him for so long. But this was only the beginning. He had a long journey ahead, but this time, he felt a little more ready to take on the future, whatever it held for him and Homeworld.


End file.
